


the hardest question to ask

by harajukucrepes



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ficlet dumps, Gen, M/M, Multi, most of the time it's just random thoughts or metafictions, there's still no purpose to this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-07-01
Packaged: 2019-05-31 22:23:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15129038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harajukucrepes/pseuds/harajukucrepes
Summary: Taeil tries to gets Sicheng to answer him. Sicheng wants things to remain status quo. Yuta doesn’t mind whatever.





	the hardest question to ask

*

the hardest question to ask

*

 

 

The most important questions are always the hardest to ask:

Hey, Sicheng—don’t use “Winwin” if you want anything serious—are you mad at me?

Sicheng defaults to a short “no” every single time and Taeil thinks it could be because he isn’t keen on talking without yet being able to express himself accurately. It could also be because he isn’t the type who deals well with emotional confrontations, Yuta says. It’s not a big deal when he does that, because he wants space. He just wants to be left alone, hyung, he’s not being difficult, maybe talk to him later?

(Bit rich of him to say that though, Taeil thinks. You’re the worst offender, do you know that?

Really? Yuta says questioningly, except he knows exactly what he’s saying.)

Taeil sometimes wishes that he could have perhaps a tiny percentage of Yuta’s shamelessness—all those years of idol training didn’t seem to work when it truly matters—and it’s not just because he really wants Sicheng to know what he’s thinking, but it’s to also thank him for coming into his life. Sicheng reminds him of the importance of thinking in simple terms, in being earnest, in being honest.

“Hyung, what’s the matter?”

Maybe it’s not Taeil, maybe it’s just part of Taeil, maybe it’s certain things Taeil does, maybe it’s something Taeil said—Sicheng doesn’t want to say it, Taeil doesn’t want to know it and he doesn’t know why he still asks sometimes.

Perhaps he’s still holding on to the fact that Sicheng would always answer in variations of _no_ —for now.

“Nothing.”

 

*

 

 

When Dong Sicheng was 15, he was told by his gang of best friends that girls are supposed to either make your stomach flutter or make your dick stand—depending on who’s talking about it. Yu Heng said girls with long, flowing black hair turned him on; Ouyang Jin loved them with small, V-shaped chins; and Jia Cheng liked the ones with huge, round eyes. Sicheng used to think he was drawn to long hair as well, only to later realise that it wasn’t hair that he was attracted to but the art of flowing hair; so much so that he couldn’t help bragging to his friends for days when he managed to make his arms mimic the hair movements.

Sicheng usually talks about after watching school animes with Yuta, because school animes are great conversation openers, and also because it’s usually when Yuta opens up about whether the anime portrayals are accurate—apparently most of them are only accurate in terms of locating and setting, because guys like Say I Love You’s Kurosawa Yamato don’t really exist. Sicheng would like to beg to differ, because he could hardly believe that Yuta wasn’t some popular guy back in school.

I was ugly though, Yuta says. He gets sensitive whenever Sicheng (actually, anyone at all) talks about his looks in a private setting.

Sicheng actually is really talking about Yuta as a whole package: from his looks (which Sicheng happens to think is perfect, in a very attractive, very Japanese way) to his personality (which Sicheng also happens to think is perfect, because Yuta-hyung is kind and caring and patient and understanding). Sicheng had once imagined Yuta braiding the side of his hair for a Yamato cosplay and he thought it fitted him perfectly.

The only downside that Sicheng can think of is the fact that he once declared Sicheng to be the center of his world only to tell him that Sicheng doesn’t really have to return his feelings.

“You just have to let me spoil you,” he says.

Sicheng wishes that he could do more for him, because the loneliest people are always the kindest and the ones who need love the most are always the ones who reject it.

 

 

*

 

 

The most complicated feelings are best expressed in a single sentence:

Of course I love him, Hyung, and you do too.

Dongyoung was right when he told Taeil that what he had for Sicheng is love, because Taeil has fallen so hard that he knocked himself cold. Fallen so hard that he started stumbling around him, borderline choking him with expectations and ended up strangling himself with the rejections.

That’s not how you deal with him, Hyung, Yuta would advise, because for a person as perceptive as Taeil, he sure had a difficult time figuring out his own feelings. They don’t open up as honestly as they should and Yuta thinks that it’s a pity—because Yuta isn’t really trying to compete or anything.

You know he adores you, right?

This is the part that annoys Yuta the most, because of course Sicheng adores him—he adores just about anyone. He doesn’t have any hate bone in him, hyung. Even after he keeps pushing your face away, he doesn’t hate you. Even after you keep asking for kisses, he doesn’t hate you. He’s adorable like that.

And because of that, he’s the safest haven for Yuta’s repressed loneliness.

 

 

*

 

 

Yuta sometimes feel like he’s aging a lot faster than Taeyong does, because he has been performing for the same yet expanding crowd for far longer than Sicheng has and sometimes Sicheng feels like he finds a tinge of resignation in Yuta’s more reserved moments.

But Yuta’s a strong person and Sicheng has no doubt that Yuta’s star would shine brighter as he matures, but sometimes Sicheng fears of growing apart from him, because it was what happened between him and Jia Cheng and Ouyang Jin and Yu Heng. No two stars are ever allowed to shine together so near to each other and until he’s able to figure out if he should make Yuta change his stance on his love for Sicheng, he’s never allowing him to change his definition.

Because defining is what Yuta does best—he probably learns languages just so that he could do this—and defining his love for Sicheng gives him an upperhand. He got to say what it means and Sicheng can either accept the definition, stay with the status quo or pretend nothing ever happened.

For now, status quo is enough. He’ll let Yuta spoil him, but there’s still a space in their relationship to let Sicheng develop his own definition of love for him.

So Taeil-hyung, he says. I’m not mad at you. I’m _never_ mad at you.

 

 

*

 

 

Taeil sometimes feel that people who can sing well are usually not the kind who could articulate well—while Kyuhyun-hyung seems like the exception to the norm, he would like to believe that he’s predominantly handicapped in this area, and he’s fine with it.

Someday, Sicheng, I’ll be able to tell you how much you mean to me. How much your adorableness heals me, how occupied I am with you that my heart fills itself with you, but for now—

I’ll wait for you to answer this question I probably won’t ask.

 

 

*


End file.
